Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
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Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume