the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
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Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy