Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |

Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”

True freaking story!

*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*

If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.

My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”

I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.

Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”

Me: “17”

Them: “2017 or….?”

Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”

In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

I need to get some bricks…

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.

My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?

Isn’t

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.

Let a monkey out of the lab and he’ll have a nice day in the park.

Teach a monkey to escape the lab and 43 of the will populate the whole eastern seaboard.

That sweet loving feeling when your kids have been asleep for a couple of hours, the house is quiet, and then you hear one of them get up to pee and you’re certain that not an ounce of urine is actually landing inside the toilet

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

Why aren’t more people talking about this?

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!