If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
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ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS