Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Teamwork makes the dream work.
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.
WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?
CRYING
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
