Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
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what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.
god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.