Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
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Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
If you know, you know 😂🚔
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here