my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
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actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
There is no “we” in pizza
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”