Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

eating my hot dog hamburger style

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.

opens dishwasher…

Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral