Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: where were u between 7 and 8

me: third grade? idk

[we both wake up in a panic]

her: i dreamed you died

me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM

I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.

I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

AA MEETING

Chairman: Please, introduce yourself

Eminem: Hi! My name is..

C: What?

E: My name is..

C: Who?

E: Hi! My name is..

C: Huh?

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

his wife is probably gonna see that

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.

At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?

Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.

Nurse: The what?

Me: Just do it, ok.

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.

How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?

Ewok’d the rest of the way.

#BearDay #RubbishJokes