scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
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8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
groan^2
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now