Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck

My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…

I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.

*falls on hard times*

Hard times: Get off me.

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.

*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*

“Shit.”

I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

She might be a genius

*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW

Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

I’ve started doing my makeup before getting dressed in the morning because, if we’re running late, my husband may argue I don’t need makeup, but will never argue that I don’t need clothes.

Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble