Batman v Dracula
You Might Also Like
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
2023 was just a warmup
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.