Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
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What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.