In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I’m sure it’s fine.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
