and this one
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Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Drive like no one is watching.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!