“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
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Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I’ve been learning to cook.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them