Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Selfie
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
