Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
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Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
I wish this was real life…
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I hate celery. 🤮🥴
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.