Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:

1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted

saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?

Coffee: YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!

Me: I don’t wanna

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”

[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat

Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy

14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.

No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]

Interested in both term and whole life insurances.

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.

Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.

[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19