Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.

In England “booster shot” is spelled “borchestershire shot”.

*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: rewatching Frozen.

Wife: why?

Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.

Wife: why?

Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.

Wife: why?

Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”

Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks

Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime

I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???

Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

I dumbed there ONE time and now this.

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.