Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
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*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.