Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.

No wine. No peace.

Know wine. Know peace.

[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]

“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”

The French really did the “this is fine” meme.

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?

Her: I’m a physiologist.

Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!

Optional boss fight.

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.

Who will tell him he’s not a dog !

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

[during sex]

HER: can you turn off the light

ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet

Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

the dark web is just a goth google.

Everyone is awful in their own special way.

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute