I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
You Might Also Like
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I don’t think I’m a stoner….more herbally infused.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts