Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia

“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”

*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

[family reunion]

Does this place have air conditioning because

[song ends, party becomes silent]

Grandma looks really hot

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

gender is a sprctrum

ME: One time I was attacked by a shark

REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like

ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish

my father: enjoying the marching band?

me: yes 🙂

my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-

me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.