Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.

They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”

I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch

“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums

63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe

Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

I used the label maker

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.

My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”

i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her

Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

satan: welcome to hell

me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?

s: yup all you can read!

m: wow!

s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?

me, nervously: yes..why?

*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*

m: aw hell

for all #parents out there

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings