Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?

wife: give me back the baby

Mick Jagger and his 8 followers just followed me so I guess it’s my lucky day and this makes 4 Mick Jaggers now the gang’s all here !

A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.

If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…

who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.

Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

*first day working the gas pumps*

Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

[God making coconuts]

ANGEL: Hair on the outside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: Milk on the inside?

GOD: Yes

ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.