Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: what do you see

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see. and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB

Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.

[later]

Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…

I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.

Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future

Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

Breaking news:

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

– “I love Beyoncé…

– Whatever floats your boat dude.

– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.

– …”

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?