Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
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Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.