Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?

What they said: Want to go camping?

Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

“Today is chest and leg day!”

-me, ordering at KFC

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

I have taken up painting

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball

Lucky old June.

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day