I hope Alan is OK
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I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
The Assassin.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I’d like to formally apologize to everyone I’ve ever mocked for leaving their holiday lights up all year. You were visionaries, and I am now your disciple.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.