Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?

People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”

Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”

The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work

When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

every man in east london

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

the answer was staring at me all along

Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”