if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
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Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?
The Dark Knight Rises
Happy Tuesday
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
j o i m p
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be