Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
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If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Safety first
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Did…did a minotaur write this
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.