Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
You Might Also Like
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
no cat here
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
i’m gonna allow it
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”