Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

me: my friends:

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete

Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS

*club goes nuts*

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.

🧠

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

this independent good boy don’t need no human

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.