Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.

When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.

I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…

They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.

You don’t need a therapist.

A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.

“Sookie!”

-70% of True Blood dialogue

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.

-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive

I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.

Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.

I’m not alone. I have ants.

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.