Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

– four physicians that I’ve outlived

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.

If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.

Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*