Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

Finally! 😈

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how

Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?

Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous

Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

[a mass poisoning of football players]

detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade

detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

Wedding planning is organized crime.

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.