I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
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I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa
#DadJoke
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Taking my car to the shop see you in $2000
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?