I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
You Might Also Like
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer