It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
making sure he doesnt get away
I know this now 😂
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Thrilling chase underway
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
A man of commitment.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
become ungovernable
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
