BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
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Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
A Monday every week is excessive
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal
Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.