Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
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My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
This is my bus stop.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.