Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
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I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
is nasa ok
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
gonna boost my morale by cracking jokes in front of my juniors
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.