Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
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British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
I’d like to rescind my Christmas wishes to my sister-in-law, Jessica, who got my kids a 100 peice indoor fake snowball fight kit.
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.