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my first dose meeting my second
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
“Are you ready to apologize to your sister yet?”
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]