I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
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if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Succession: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Game of Thrones: powerful people are just as dumb and shitty as you. they just have power
Reality: powerful people are just as d- they know everything, EVERYTHING, and they control it all i swe
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.