Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.

Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.

Nope, not until now, dude.

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

Guy: what do you know about crypto

Me: that’s a DC villain, right?

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.

When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.

husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?

me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…

Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?

Nephew: It matches your face!

Me: 😳😳

The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”

Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”

H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”

Me too 😆

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”

Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*

“What have you heard?”

Deadpool was Green Lantern

Batman was Daredevil

Captain America was Human Torch

And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

Ain’t no mountain high enough

Ain’t no valley low enough

Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough

To keep me from yooou

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.

Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.