There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
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Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.