Every photo I’m tagged in
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“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
bury ourselves
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Inside you there are two wolves
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?